


In the Surface and Beneath It

by The_Sea_Witch



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Reality, Canon Era, Kind of Domestic, M/M, Realities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-06 01:22:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11025630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Sea_Witch/pseuds/The_Sea_Witch
Summary: Ryan finds Brendon awake with things on his mind.





	1. Choose Scene: "Pillow Talk". Press Play.

Brendon has countless sleepless nights and tonight’s one of those nights. Sometimes he blames ADHD, sometimes he blames Ryan by being close to him, addictive to touch, always raising his adrenaline. But there are rare times he just stares at the ceiling and just think. He initially thought it was his ADHD but he realized more than once it’s just really all on him. His thoughts running on many ideas and random things. Most of the time it’s either about Ryan, the band or about his family and friends. Tonight, it’s none of those. Or maybe all of those.

“Brendon,” a voice snaps him out from his thoughts. The voice, though groggy, hinted concern. “You’re still awake.” Brendon feels the rustle of the sheets and a brush of warm skin. He glances to his left and caught a Ryan checking the time. “It’s 2:45 AM.” Ryan, lying down on his belly, props himself up with his elbows and faces Brendon. “Why are you still up?”

He didn’t speak immediately for he was distracted by the way Ryan was squinting his eyes to recover himself from sleep. But when he did, “Thinking,” was all he muttered.

Usually, Ryan would just brush this off and go back to sleep but maybe he sensed this time that something is off with his Brendon. He’d noticed that whenever they finish tour, when they got to finally relax in their own homes, he had notice Brendon staying up later and later probably because he didn’t know where to put all his energy unlike during tour, all his energy gone from his performance then he’d easily knock out once in contact with a bed, or Ryan.

“About?” Ryan asked, curious about his lover’s thoughts.

He noticed how Brendon’s eyes shifted uncomfortably even under the dim room. “Life, I guess.”

 _Oh_. Ryan thought. “What about it?”

“Just…” he couldn’t help trail his fingers on Ryan’s smooth spine, then he looks at Ryan who was studying him with curious yet concerned eyes. “Wha-” he stops himself and exhales. _Try again_. “Have you… Have you ever thought of where would you be right now, what would you be doing right now if we didn’t got signed?”

 _Oh. It’s one of those questions,_ Ryan thought. It’s not the first someone had ask him this similar question but he’s quite surprised such a question came out of Brendon’s mouth. People who had asked him that question, he just answers with very convincing bullshit. “Uhm,” he sounds. He glances at the clock again. 2:53. Well, it’s not like they’re going to do anything important later. Just lazing around anyway, and maybe some sex here and there but this seems to be a milestone for them both right now. He’ll indulge his lover.

Before he answers Brendon’s question, he felt his elbows numbing so allows himself to slump down on the sheets and place his arm on Brendon’s chest and began caressing it.

“I’ve had those thoughts many times, even before we got signed,” Ryan began. “Well, obviously, I’ll continue to finish my college degree. After that… I might just end up being a teacher. A literature professor?”

Brendon chuckles. “Sounds like you would do.” Ryan just smirks at him, his hands keeps caressing his chest.

“Another scenario would be I’d drop out, follow in my father’s footsteps. Die alone.” Brendon frowns. Ryan ignores it and continues. “Or probably get married to some girl, have kids. Whatever. We’d probably fight a lot, might get a divorce. The kids staying at their mother’s as they should because a mother should always nurture their children. Probably get to see them once a month if I’m lucky. I might die alone, too.

“Or… I’ll take every vice known to man, involve myself with the wrong crowd, and just die from an overdose.”

“Ryan!” Brendon hissed in a scolding voice. By now, he was grabbing Ryan’s hand tightly, the one on his chest.

“What?” Ryan’s tone nonchalant. “You asked.”

He can’t help but pull his guitarist in a hug. “Most of the things you said were morbid!”

“But it’s true.” _Funny how it turned out to be about me instead of him,_ Ryan thought to himself. And he wishes to say to Brendon, _but I only got to think up those scenarios because you weren’t there. Every scenario you were there, I was always happy. Always beside you._ But he wouldn’t say that. Not yet anyway. This isn’t about them anyway. It’s about each other. “How about you?”

Brendon, still trying to recover from Ryan’s share of thoughts, furrowed his eyebrows together. Ryan always found it cute when Brendon puts on serious expressions. “It’s not as morbid as yours.”

“I still want to hear it.”

Brendon sighs and shares. “If we didn’t get signed, you already know that might enroll to a Hairstyling academy.” If Brendon wasn’t his boyfriend, Ryan would still mock him for how gay that sounds. “But… I doubt my dad would let me anyway. I’ve defied my parents how many times now, so, I might not want to get them on their bad side anymore. I might go on those Mormon missions and whatever. Comply to whatever my religion complies me to. Or you know like yours, get married, stay a virgin until marriage,” Brendon chuckles at that. “Have children… You know that perfect Mormon family life.” Brendon pauses and looks at Ryan, trying to see if he’s being judged. “That’s how far I’ve thought where I would be if not here.”

Ryan nuzzles into the crook of Brendon’s neck and murmurs. “You didn’t mention music.”

“What?”

“Music,” he repeats his last word. “You’ve got so much musical talent… how can you forget about your music?”

“I don’t think-”

“Let me make a scenario for you,” Ryan sits up, forcing Brendon to let go but also causing him to sit up with him. “Our band is a flop. We go back to our own lives. You do missions or whatever Mormons stuff you Mormons do. But you, with a freaking ADHD cannot help but break into song or itch to play an instrument. I’ve seen you countless times Brendon- No, I know you. One way or another, they’ll appreciate your talent. You might use it for your religion or you might get discovered and just get famous, be a bigger star than you are now.” Brendon rolls his eyes. “Believe me, Bren. They’ll stop and stare just like how I did when you accidentally sang along during that practice.” Ryan can’t help stop his smile as the memory floods back in his mind.

“You praise me, too much, Ross,” Brendon says. Ryan wants to scream, _Because I fucking love you!_ Not yet, he reminds himself. “But, you’re being unfair. What about you?”

“What about me?”

“My turn.”

Ryan raises an eyebrow.

“The band doesn’t work out but that doesn’t mean we all go our separate ways. We could all still be in touch. Even years of its failure, we still hang out, have a few jamming sessions here and there. _We-_ ” he gestures his hand between the two of them. ”Could still have this-”

Ryan cuts him off. “Could doesn’t mean we _should_.” That still holds some truth even at their reality. Brendon scoffs and ignores that statement.

“Like you couldn’t handle this piece of ass!”

Ryan chuckles. He likes this turn of events. “You could have gotten fat or something.” Brendon pinches him. “Ow!”

“Fucker,” Brendon mutters under his breath. Then he continues on. ”Whatever we are doing with our lives in that reality, I’d like to think we built this sort of trust to each other, to make sure we’re still good… Ryan,” his eyes seem to glisten somehow. “I can’t imagine a life properly without you, Spencer, I’m not sure about Brent or Jon, but, god, Ryan... You guys made my life more colorful than I could ever have.”

And Ryan can imagine it, _Brendon and Spencer would always be there to check up on him if he’s okay whether it has something to do with his dad or just himself. He would be able to touch Brendon, though, maybe not as much like now, but it’s enough for him. All of their lives would be at their own pace of difficulty but they’ll get through it…_

“Brendon,” Ryan whispers then caught himself pulling the singer by his arm and kissing him. And after that…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading the next chapter is optional if you are already content of this kind of ending. :)


	2. Rewind. Restart. Press Play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just note that this chapter is not a continuation of the first chapter. As the title suggest, it's kind of like how the Panic! boys would seem with normal lives. This is set before their fame (technically the fame not turning into reality). It's short, but heck!

It’s been six years since the failure of their band. They all knew it, it was all for fun anyway, but now they’ve all moved on with their lives. Ryan finally got his Literature degree and got a teaching job at some high school near his new home. He also finally got to convince his dad to go to rehab from his alcoholism. He’s still there at the rehabilitation center but Ryan gets to visit every weekend and read his father books of poetry, his father, finally appreciating his son’s love for words.

As for the others, Ryan still gets to talk and hang out with Spencer, thought, not as much when they were younger. He’s taken some Business course that Ryan can’t specifically recall the name of. As for Brent, he didn’t care much since the guy didn’t seem to care back as soon as the band was over. And as for Brendon, that was much a mystery. No one knew what happened to him. Last thing he heard about him, he got himself kicked out of his parents’ house for who-know-what-reason.

***

“Ryan Ross?” a voice called out to him, a deep, mature, familiar voice. He was actually waiting for his cup of coffee in Starbucks when someone called out his name. He, jumped because who could this stranger be, who know his name, calling him in the middle of Starbucks?

But it wasn’t a stranger as he faced him.

“Brendon,” he says as he felt himself smile for seeing an old friend.

Brendon chuckles and goes in for a hug. Ryan, still not accustomed to such people like that but not surprised that Brendon hadn’t much changed, so he accepts the hug.

“Damn Ross, it’s been so long!”

“Six years,” Ryan says as he hears his name called out and grab his coffee.

“Yeah…” Brendon trails off. Then there was the awkward silence that Ryan waited.

“Are you going to order something?” Ryan asks to break the awkwardness.

Brendon jumps and says, “Yeah! Uhm are you busy-”

He cuts him off with a smile. “No.”

“Let’s catch up,” Brendon suggests.

“I’ll look for a table.”

 

The two conversed for a long while at the corner of Starbucks, learning each other’s lives. Ryan finally found out that Brendon came from New York. _Broadway_. Who knew?! Brendon was actually discovered when he was randomly singing down the street one day when an agent went up to him and gave him an offer. Well, certainly he has the voice for _Broadway_. This was after, of course, when he was kicked out of his house because he didn’t want to follow his family’s religion anymore.

“Wow,” Ryan can’t help express. “You’ve got a lot of things going on for you. Didn’t expect that.”

Brendon seemed shy and sheepish all of the sudden. “Not really…”

“No, seriously!” Ryan expressed as he rest his hand on Brendon’s all of a sudden. The two seemed hyper-aware of the moment and Ryan retracted his hands to his lap and Brendon brought his just a few awkward inches back. “Sorry.”

Brendon tries to laugh it off. “It’s fine.” Another awkward silence. “So,” this time it’s Brendon who breaks it. He chuckles. “Ryan, what if-” he pauses and rephrases his thoughts. “What would it be like for us if we got our band signed? I mean, wow! I bet that would make us all rock-star famous!”

It was Ryan’s turn to chuckle, then the two shared the possibilities of that reality.


End file.
